A tale of love and loss

 

It was on my birthday, 20th August (2015), that I received the news. My dear friend, Lorraine Nicholson, had ended her life, suicide. I was in Scotland at the time, and as chance would have it - I was  heading to the place we often used to meet; Dunkeld. I had first got to know Lorraine in 2011, when I bought a copy of her book from the Watermill in Aberfeldy. Her story, told through artwork and poetry, resonated with me. A personal battle through depression, suicidal thoughts, but ending with recovery and hope. I contacted her via email, never imagining that I would get a reply, let alone that we would form a friendship that is still so influential in my life. Lorraine was endless in her support of my writing, my photography, and my own struggles with depression. If I wrote anything new, she would be one of the first people I sent it to. She would always like the photographs I posted on Facebook, and even encouraged my childlike attempts at painting. Expression through art, and a communion with nature, were as essential to her as breathing. Even more so, as it turned out. A life where those things seemed totally inaccessible would have been unbearable. I know in part, but only in part, the depths to which she must have sunk, and the extent to which her mind had become a prison from which there was to be no escape this time, no choice to be made at all. 

With the suicide of a friend, someone you love, comes a range of emotions. Overwhelming sadness, anger, confusion, grief, guilt, and perhaps (and I say this ever so carefully) a tiny amount of relief - that their suffering is at an end. But for all the pain that is left behind, I will not call her selfish, though. How could I possibly. She gave me so much, she gave many so much, and that has not suddenly ended now. Death makes life impossible to ignore. And when we look back on the life of someone who has died, it is the good things that we remember most. And we laugh about the things that irritated us, the things that drove us mad, because we realise now that non of that really matters. We are all a little bit like this, or a little bit like that, and the sooner we realise that it's ok, the better. We have a natural tendency to see the good in people - and we need to remember this, and act on it, perhaps now more than ever. 

I miss my friend. I realised last week why I haven't really spoken about her suicide to anyone before now. Because she would have been the one I would have spoken to about it. I haven't been ignoring or denying the fact it happened, but rather butting up against a void when it came to talking about it. Now I understand that, I have been able to write about it. 

One small stand

I walked away from the job in Yorkshire. I had not been told at interview about the dress code. A business suit must be worn during the school day, but women are not permitted to wear trousers. During the evenings, and at weekends, casual clothing may be worn. I had a pair of sports shorts on, and the Head of House looked at my legs and said, "Haven't you got anything else to wear? Some of the male staff will wear sports shorts, but we need to be setting an example of what young ladies should dress like."  

It's archaic. No place for those ideas in the 21st century. But similar views are everywhere; that people should wear certain things, and that people should look a certain way. There may not be rules and dress codes, but the expectations are inescapable. We don't even notice as they seep into our way of thinking; I've got to look younger, older, thinner, stronger, if I want to be someone. I'm bored of it all. Bored of everything that says it's not enough to be alive, not enough to simply be. 

Don't let it pass you by

I had a flight booked for Geneva today, which I didn't get on. Instead, I've been running around a Scottish forest in the pouring rain. 

It provided moments of magic, and I was moved to tears by the beauty of a waterfall that wouldn't usually have been there. 

However god awful the weather, and whatever the circumstances that lead us somewhere, we are able to see the world in a way we would never have had the chance to otherwise.  

This is the truth of our experience of life every single day. It is always new, it is always unique, and we are always in a place to view it this way. 

Think of the past from time to time, allow yourself to feel pain, love, sadness, and to miss your friends and the things you used to do. Memories are so intensely human, and they allow the future, and give us awareness for the present. 

I was there, now I'm here, and even if I'm in the same place tomorrow, it will be different again. Don't let it pass you by. 

Three months in Switzerland. A little truth, for what it's worth.

Sometimes it makes more sense to explain how a thing ended before telling how it began. This is probably because we often learn the lessons on reflection instead of at the time.

I'm still amazed at how calmly I took the news, especially considering it came as a total surprise. Maybe that was it, maybe I was in a complete state of shock. I do remember being aware though, that this was clearly a decision not up for debate, and so for now at least, it would be better to say the minimal amount. The hostility emanating from them was palpable, and I have never seen the value in a slanging match. Not only should we choose our battles, but we should also choose how and when we fight them.

I left the meeting without a job, but having been provided with no satisfactory explanation as to why the decision had been made. The reason given was my inability to meet the demands of the role, and yet they could offer no criticism of the work I had actually done. It is still a sense of injustice which hits hard, such was the disparity between the reality and what they had said. I will, for once, overcome the tendency most of us have for playing down our merits. I had been doing a bloody good job, I worked hard, and I cared. I have strong suspicions that there were inaccurate/misinformed concerns about my mental health which they were unable to voice. I don't imagine they ever will. I have since written a letter, sent as well to the relevant company directors, politely requesting an honest explanation. I am yet to receive a reply, honesty is sadly becoming a rarity these days. I never imagined or intended that the letter would change anything for me. In the grand scheme of things it's a fairly minor injustice, but the only way we change anything is by standing up against even the smallest of wrongs. Otherwise they will just carry on thinking that it is acceptable to treat people that way.

There is a danger though of allowing one decision to cloud our entire judgment of a person, especially when it is a decision that affects us so personally. I even struggle to believe that this particular decision was based on entirely poor motives, maybe just misguided ones. It is all too easy to focus on the negatives, and in doing so lose sight of all the good a person has done and can still do. We rarely gain a complete understanding of any situation, and there may be many things going on in the background that we are totally unaware of. Life is too complex and too commonplace to think that it's all about ourselves. I will stand by my view that this was a wrong decision, but I will not and cannot hold bitterness or resentment towards them anymore. Our humanity must be bigger than that.

It was not easy leaving Switzerland, I loved my job, and I loved (and still love) the many friends I made. To miss people so deeply is the privilege of true friendship, and for that I am thankful. But now I have to move on, taking many positives away with me, though. Perhaps most significantly a reminder of what is important in life. Not money nor a job, but the people we meet, the friends we make, and the experiences that we get to share along the way. It has been, on the whole, a fantastic three months. I feel that I have grown significantly as a person, and contrary to those misassumptions about my state of mind, I have never felt stronger or more confident. I am looking forward to the future, and I am enjoying the view of life from the here and now.

Unexpected time

I have a bit of unexpected time on my hands; something that I will go into at a later date. Wanting to make myself useful I asked a friend, “what do you think is the most important thing we can be doing right now?”  Her reply, without hesitation, was as follows:

 

1)      Writing and sharing

2)      Making a positive difference to one individual

 

I often fall into a way of thinking that suggests only great works and grand gestures can change the world. By doing so I lose sight of the impact we have every single day. It is inescapable that we influence those lives around us, and we all have the choice as to whether this is in a positive or negative way.

 

As to writing and sharing, I had got out of the habit of doing this (at least on a public platform). I was still sending the occasional handwritten letter, but my thoughts had become somewhat occupied by the focus of work. I am finding now though that there is much I want to say, and prompted by my friend, I shall be extending these things to anyone who wishes to read.

 

Take care,

 

K x